Top 100 Antijokes
Welcome to the top 100 antijokes.
The Top 100 Antijokes List
These are the top 100 Antijokes for 2024.
1. What Did the Shoe Say to the Sock? Nothing. Neither are sentient.2. Why Do Kangaroos Jump? Because that's how they evolved.
3. What do an elephant and a grape have in common? One of them is purple.
4. Why Do Elephants Wear Blue Tennis Shoes? The white ones get dirty too fast.
5. What's the Difference Between Tuna, a Piano, and Glue? You can tune a piano, but you can't piano a tuna.
6. Scientific fact: If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
7. You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
8. What Do You Call a Pimp Dinosaur? Nothing. They are dead.
9. A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks him, "Why the long face?" The horse, unable to speak English, shits on the floor and leaves.
10. What Do Cats and Refrigerators Have in Common? Neither one is a banana.
11. Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
12. What Do You Call an Elephant with a Tail? An elephant.
13. What Do You Call an Old Man Who's Just Been Stabbed? An ambulance.
14. Where was the Constitution signed? The bottom.
15. Why are hamsters like cigarettes? They’re completely harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
16. How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
17. I ain't sayin' she's a gold digger, but she did move to California in 1849.
18. What Do You Call Someone Who Can Find the Square Root of 326,769? Good at math.
19. What's the Difference Between Ignorance and Apathy? I don't know and I don't care.
20. Take Your Age and Add Five That's how old you'll be in five years.
21. Friends are Like Horses. If You Kill Them, They Die.
22. What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
23. What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
24. Why Didn't the Dog Go to the School Dance? Because it was a pet-free school.
25. Why did Jordan stay home from the party? He wasn’t invited…
26. What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
27. Last Christmas, I Gave You My Heart. And the Very Next Day......I died because no one can live without a heart.
28. What Do You Call a Man with a Shovel in His Head? An ambulance.
29. Two Fish Are in a Tank One turns to the other and asks, How do you drive this thing? Then the fish die due to lack of water.
30. What is Red and Farts? Any person wearing red.
31. What Can You Sit On, Sleep On, and Brush Your Teeth With? A chair, a bed, and a toothbrush.
32. Don't you hate it when you're reading a sentence and it doesn't end how you testicles.
33. Knock knock. Who's there? A broken pencil. A broken Pencil Who? Never mind, it's pointless.
34. What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn't know each other.
35. What Do You Call an Elephant with a Tail? An elephant.
36. Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
37. Why Can't Donald Trump Draw a Perfect Circle? Because it is impossible for a human to draw a perfect circle.
38. Why did the kid in the movie theater get yelled at? He was talking.
39. Why is a laser beam like a goldfish? Because neither one can whistle.
40. Two muffins are in an oven. One says to the other, “Dang, it’s hot in here.” The other replies, “Yeah, probably like 350 degrees.”
41. Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
42. Doctor, Doctor. I feel like a pair of curtains. That's the least of your worries. You're HIV positive.
43. Do you know why I look like I can’t hear you? Because I can’t, my headphones are on.
44. When we were kids, we used to be afraid of the dark. But when we grew up, the electricity bill is what made us afraid of the light.
45. Why Did Ronald McDonald's Wife Leave Him The marriage was bad.
46. Did You Hear About the Race Between the Lettuce and the Tomato? No.
47. Scientific fact: If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
48. Yo mama's so fat… She should be concerned because diabetes is a serious health issue.
49. What Did the German Man Say to the German Woman? Hallo, wie geht es dir?
50. What Can You Sit On, Sleep On, and Brush Your Teeth With? A chair, a bed, and a toothbrush.
51. What has 9 legs, 4 feet and is orange? Nothing.
52. What Did the Boy with No Arms Get for Christmas? Gloves! Just kidding, I have no idea. He hasn't opened it
53. What Do You Get when You Cross a Madwoman and a Gardener? A child.
54. How do you confuse a blonde? Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
55. A Pun, a Play on Words, and a Limerick Walk into a Bar. No joke.
56. What's yellow and is something you shouldn't drink? A school bus.
57. What's green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.
58. What does a duck and a tablespoon have in common? Both are not a lamp.
59. What's the Difference Between Ignorance and Apathy? I don't know and I don't care.
60. Yo mama's so fat… She should be concerned because diabetes is a serious health issue.
61. What Do You Call a Peanut That Isn't a Nut? A peanut. (It's a legume.)
62. Why Couldn't Jane Swing on the Swing Set? Her mom said no.
63. Why did the mushroom go to the party? It didn't. Do you know why? Because it's a fucking mushroom.
64. Want to hear something that will make you smile? Your facial muscles.
65. Yo momma’s so fat, we are all extremely concerned for her health.
66. What do friends and trees have in common? They both fall over if you hit them repeatedly with an axe.
67. Why did the kid in the movie theater get yelled at? He was talking.
68. A Man Had Three Sons Named Brick, Tree, and Lamp. And they all got bullied for having stupid names.
69. What is a pirate's favourite letter of the alphabet? None. Historians have suggested that most pirates would have been illiterate.
70. Why Did the Blonde Undercook the Chicken? Because she's blind.
71. What did one cannibal say to the other after eating a clown? We're gonna get in big trouble for this!
72. Why is a laser beam like a goldfish? Because neither one can whistle.
73. Why didn't Jimmy drive the tractor? Because he had no legs. Why didn't he have any legs? Because he was a potato.
74. Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
75. You can pick your nose and you can pick your friends… But you can't rob a bank. That's a felony.
76. What Do You Call a Fish with No Eyes? Blind.
77. When we were kids, we used to be afraid of the dark. But when we grew up, the electricity bill is what made us afraid of the light.
78. What's the Difference Between a Blonde and a Bowling Ball? A blonde is a human with a specific hair colour, while a bowling ball is a ball typically used in the sport of ten pin
79. What's yellow and is something you shouldn't drink? A school bus.
80. A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks him, "Why the long face?" The horse, unable to speak English, shits on the floor and leaves.
81. Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven is a registered sex offender.
82. Wanna Hear a Word I Just Made Up? Plagiarism.
83. Wanna Hear a Word I Just Made Up? Plagiarism.
84. Yo Mama's So Old She might die soon.
85. What do you call a fish with no eyes? It doesn’t even matter.
86. Why Isn't Helen Keller a Good Driver? Because she's dead.
87. You can tell a lot about a woman’s mood just by her hands. For example, if she's holding a gun, she’s probably angry.
88. You know what's really odd? Numbers that aren't divisible by two.
89. Why was six afraid of seven? It wasn’t. Numbers aren’t sentient and are incapable of feeling fear.
90. What do you call a joke that isn't funny? A sentence.
91. What Do You Call a Dog That Poops? A healthy dog.
92. What Did the Shoe Say to the Sock? Nothing. Neither are sentient.
93. Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
94. How Many Potatoes Does It Take to Kill an Irishman? Zero.
95. How Do You Drop an Egg on a Concrete Floor Without Breaking It?
96. How is a bar of soap the same as your dreams? They’re both amazing at slipping away.
97. I was diagnosed with clinical depression the other day. Which made me sad.
98. What Did One Frenchman Say to the Other? I have no idea, I don't speak French.
99. Do you want to know what always makes me smile? Face muscles.
100. What did he give her on Valentine’s Day? Something red and lots of lies.
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