Top 100 Chuck Norris Jokes

Welcome to the top 100 chuck norris jokes.

It's hard not to laugh when you see a list of jokes about the venerable martial artist. His infamous karate training has spawned some of the funniest internet memes. While it is impossible to avoid a joke involving Chuck Norris, it's funnier to share it with your friends. So here's a list of some of the funniest ones!

These Chuck Norris quotes and jokes are a popular way to tell people about this charismatic martial artist. One of the funniest jokes is when Chuck Norris walks away from a fight with two broken ribs. Another funny one involves him microwaving food into his pants. In a video game, he can roundhouse kick the fifth Uzi into the air!

One of the most popular Chuck Norris facts is that the actor can hear Braille. Once, he bit a cobra and the snake died five days later. He has other amazing abilities, including the ability to kill two birds with one stone. He can also read sign language and is able to hear ants with a magnifying glass. Of course, he can't kill anyone in real life, but he can still punch them in the eye.

If you're looking for a fun way to make your friends laugh, you should check out this list of 100 Chuck Norris Jokes. This will help you make your friends laugh! It is a great way to get your friends laughing. And who doesn't love a good punch line? This list contains a huge amount of funny Chuck Norris quotes! These quotes are apt for all occasions and will have you giggling in no time.

The Top 100 Chuck Norris Jokes List

These are the top 100 Chuck Norris Jokes for 2025.

1. Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
2. Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
3. Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name into concrete.
4. Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
5. Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.
6. Whenever Chuck Norris peels onions, the onions always cry.
7. Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.
8. Chuck Norris is the reason that Wally is always hiding.
9. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
10. Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.
11. Chuck Norris once won an underwater breathing contest. With a fish.
12. Chuck Norris plays Jenga with Stonehenge.
13. Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.
14. Chuck Norris is able to sketch your portrait using an eraser.
15. When Chuck Norris was born the doctor asked him to name his parents.
16. When Chuck Norris went to Burger King and ordered a big mac, they made it for him, perfectly.
17. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
18. Chuck Norris eats his meat so rare that he only eats unicorns and dragons.
19. We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, 'Please don't kill me.' Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic.
20. If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.
21. Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.
22. Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants today are known as giraffes.
23. When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
24. Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
25. The laws of physics always bend the rules for Chuck Norris.
26. Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon.
27. If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would win.
28. Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
29. Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
30. Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
31. When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
32. If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.
33. Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room. The bear isn’t dead, it is just afraid to move.
34. Chuck doesn't need to throw out the trash, it always throws itself out.
35. Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.
36. Chuck Norris puts the 'laughter' in 'manslaughter'.
37. When Christopher Columbus discovered America, he was greeted by Chuck Norris.
38. On the 7th day, God rested … Chuck Norris took over.
39. Plugging Chuck Norris into any equation makes the outcome equal to pain.
40. Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.
41. Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
42. Chuck Norris is the reason that Wally is always hiding.
43. Chuck Norris played a game of rock, paper scissors against his reflection, and won.
44. When Chuck once roundhouse kicked a coal mine and turned it into a diamond mine.
45. When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
46. M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.
47. A computer company once invented a Chuck Norris operative system. Unfortunately it was a failure, since it ONLY obeyed orders that involved killing, drinking, or women.
48. Chuck Norris destored the table of elements because the only element he knows is the element of SURPRISE.
49. Chuck Norris is able to recycle toxic waste.
50. Chuck Norris' cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
51. A rainbow happens every time Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks Richard Simmons.
52. When the boogeyman goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
53. Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.
54. With Chuck Norris as world leader there'd be no crime. Only punishment.
55. When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.
56. When Chuck Norris was a baby he farted for the first time, that is when the big bang first happened.
57. Chuck Norris breathes air … five times a day.
58. Chuck Norris doesn't go to the gym, instead he goes shop lifting.
59. Chuck Norris ties himself down at night to prevent himself from sleep-killing. When he kills, he wants to remember it.
60. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his pee as a canned beverage. It’s now called Red Bull.
61. Bigfoot is still hiding because he once saw Chuck Norris walking in the mountains.
62. Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
63. Tornados don't exist, Chuck Norris just really doesn't like trailer parks.
64. Plugging Chuck Norris into any equation makes the outcome equal to pain.
65. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
66. If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
67. Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
68. In an interview for Times Chuck Norris was asked what he thought about all the Chuck Norris Jokes circulating around. He simply replied that they weren't jokes then went back to his daily routine of drinking a mug of nails.
69. Chuck Norris knows Victoria’s secret.
70. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
71. When Chuck Norris goes to a restaurant, the waiter tips him.
72. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of 'beard'. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
73. Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
74. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
75. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
76. When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.
77. Chuck Norris won the Tour de France ... on a unicycle.
78. Chuck Norris was the first person to climb Mount Everest. Naked.
79. Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
80. Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
81. Chuck Norris doesn’t need to shave. His beard is scared to grow.
82. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
83. Chuck Norris does not know about this website. If he did he would have just deleted the internet.
84. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
85. Chuck Norris knows every word in the dictionary, except 'mercy'.
86. There are no streets named after Chuck Norris because no one would ever cross Chuck Norris
87. Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
88. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
89. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
90. Chuck Norris is neither male nor female, his gender is in fact, Chuck Norris.
91. Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.
92. Chuck Norris does not have a bank account. He just tells the bank how much he wants.
93. On New Year’s Eve, Chuck Norris promised that he’d lose 20 pounds. The next morning he shaved his chest and smiled as he realized that he’d lost 30.
94. There has never been a hurricane named Chuck because it would have destroyed everything.
95. Chuck Norris once stared at a carton of orange juice because it said concentrate, it exploded violently.
96. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
97. Chuck Norris doesn’t need to shave. His beard is scared to grow.
98. The deepest level of Hell is an eternal match with Chuck Norris.
99. Chuck Norris stands faster than anyone can run.
100. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Generator more Chuck Norris Jokes

Need more Chuck Norris Jokes? Generate more with the Chuck Norris Joke Generator.