Top 100 It Jokes
Welcome to the top 100 it jokes.
The Top 100 It Jokes List
These are the top 100 It Jokes for 2024.
1. Q. How did the programmer die in the shower? A. He read the shampoo bottle instructions: Lather. Rinse. Repeat.2. Why do programmers prefer dark mode? Because light attracts bugs!
3. There are 10 kinds of people in this world: Those who understand binary, those who don't, and those who weren't expecting a base 3 joke.
4. Being the detective in a crime movie where you are also the murderer.
5. A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on a photo-safari in Africa. They drive out into the savannah in their jeep, stop and scour the horizon with their binoculars. The biologist: "Look! There's a herd of zebras! And there, in the middle: a white zebra! It's fantastic! There are white zebras! We'll be famous!" The statistician: "It's not significant. We only know there's one white zebra" The mathematician: "Actually, we know there exists a zebra which is white on one side" The computer scientist: "Oh no! A special case!"
6. A man walks into a pet shop and sees 3 monkeys, each in a cage, each with a computer. The man is curious and walks up to the clerk and asks - what is the story with the moneys? "They are programming monkeys - for example this one here can complete 100 lines of C++ in an hour - only 100$" The first monkey was busy typing away, and sure enough it was flawless code. They moved onto the second monkey who was typing even faster. "This monkey knows Java, C++ and helped develop Julia - 1000$ for this one". "What about that last monkey in the biggest cage?" the man asked. "well he is 10000$'s...." "That's must be an amazing monkey! What does he do?", the man asked. "Well, when he was brought in all he did was sit there while the other monkeys worked, so we figured he must be executive management."
7. Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show his work. Visibly upset, Satan cries and says, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out." "Very well," says God, "let us see if Jesus has fared any better." Jesus presses a key, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished. He stutters, "B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?" God chuckles, "Everybody knows… Jesus saves."
8. Q. How did the programmer die in the shower? A. He read the shampoo bottle instructions: Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
9. Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas? Because Oct 31 equals Dec 25.
10. If you put a million monkeys at a million keyboards, one of them will eventually write a Java program. The rest of them will write Perl programs.
11. Why do programmers prefer dark mode? Because light attracts bugs!
12. All programmers are playwrights, and all computers are lousy actors.
13. Two strings walk into a bar and sit down. The bartender says, "So what'll it be?" The first string says, "I think I'll have a beer quag fulk boorg jdk^CjfdLk jk3s d#f67howe%^U r89nvy~~owmc63^Dz x.xvcu" "Please excuse my friend," the second string says, "He isn't null-terminated."
14. God as a Programmer
15. Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show his work. Visibly upset, Satan cries and says, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out." "Very well," says God, "let us see if Jesus has fared any better." Jesus presses a key, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished. He stutters, "B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?" God chuckles, "Everybody knows Jesus saves."
16. Why do programmers prefer dark mode? Because light attracts bugs!
17. A man is smoking a cigarette and blowing smoke rings into the air. His girlfriend becomes irritated with the smoke and says, "Can't you see the warning on the cigarette pack? Smoking is hazardous to your health!" To which the man replies, "I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings; we only worry about errors."
18. Why do programmers prefer dark mode? Because light attracts bugs!
19. Why did the Lisp programmer get a new car? He ran out of storage space
20. Why do programmers prefer dark mode? Because light attracts bugs!
21. Have you heard about the new Cray super computer? It's so fast, it executes an infinite loop in 6 seconds.
22. Knock knock. Who's there? Broken state machine. Broken state machine, who? Knock knock.
23. There are only 10 kinds of people in this world: those who know binary and those who don't.
24. The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a soldering iron, a hardware engineer with a software patch, and a user with an idea. – The Wizardry Compiled by Rick Cook.
25. Why do Java developers wear glasses? Because they don’t see sharp!
26. Why did the Lisp programmer get a new car? He ran out of storage space
27. Software Development Cycles Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs. Repeat three times steps 3 and 4. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released. Users find 137 new bugs. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free…
28. Why do Haskel programmers avoid most medicines? Because they have side-effects
29. One hundred little bugs in the code One hundred little bugs. Fix a bug, link the fix in, One hundred little bugs in the code.
30. A programmer walks to the butcher shop and buys a kilo of meat. An hour later he comes back upset that the butcher shortchanged him by 24 grams.
31. A physician, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world. The physician remarked, "Well, in the Bible, it says that God created Eve from a rib taken out of Adam. This clearly required surgery, and so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world." The civil engineer interrupted, and said, "But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong: mine is the oldest profession in the world." The computer scientist leaned back in her chair, smiled, and then said confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?"
32. The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a soldering iron, a hardware engineer with a software patch, and a user with an idea. – The Wizardry Compiled by Rick Cook.
33. A group of computer science geeks were listening to a lecture about Java programming at a university. After the lecture, one of the men leaned over and grabbed a woman's breast. Woman: Hey! That's private OK ? The man hesitated for a second looking confused. Man: But I thought we were in the same class.
34. A physician, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world. The physician remarked, "Well, in the Bible, it says that God created Eve from a rib taken out of Adam. This clearly required surgery, and so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world." The civil engineer interrupted, and said, "But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong: mine is the oldest profession in the world." The computer scientist leaned back in her chair, smiled, and then said confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?"
35. A man is smoking a cigarette and blowing smoke rings into the air. His girlfriend becomes irritated with the smoke and says, "Can't you see the warning on the cigarette pack? Smoking is hazardous to your health!" To which the man replies, "I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings; we only worry about errors."
36. There are 10 kinds of people in this world: Those who understand binary, those who don't, and those who weren't expecting a base 3 joke.
37. A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep. A full one, in case he gets thirsty, and an empty one, in case he doesn't.
38. Q. How did the programmer die in the shower? A. He read the shampoo bottle instructions: Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
39. Why do the stories written by C programmers drag on forever? Because they can't write closures.
40. Why do Java developers wear glasses? Because they don’t see sharp!
41. Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas? Because Oct 31 equals Dec 25.
42. A guy walks into a bar and asks for 1.4 root beers. The bartender says "I'll have to charge you extra, that's a root beer float". The guy says "In that case, better make it a double."
43. Why did the Lisp programmer get a new car? He ran out of storage space
44. There are only 10 kinds of people in this world: those who know binary and those who don't.
45. Why do programmers prefer dark mode? Because light attracts bugs!
46. Why did the Python programmer not respond to the foreign mails he got? Because his interpreter was busy collecting garbage.
47. If at first your don't succeed, stop Trying and attempt to Catch what the problem is. then Finally give up.
48. Hey! That's private OK ? The man hesitated for a second looking confused. Man: But I thought we were in the same class.
49. A group of computer science geeks were listening to a lecture about Java programming at a university. After the lecture, one of the men leaned over and grabbed a woman's breast. Woman: Hey! That's private OK ? The man hesitated for a second looking confused. Man: But I thought we were in the same class.
50. Top 10 phrases spoken by a Klingon Programmer A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code! By filing this bug report you have challenged the honor of my family. Prepare to die! You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand! Our competitors are without honor! Specifications are for the weak and timid! This machine is GAGH! I need dual Pentium processors if I am to do battle with this code! Perhaps it IS a good day to die! I say we ship it! Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are! My program has just dumped Stova Core! Behold, the keyboard of Kalis! The greatest Klingon code warrior that ever lived!
51. A guy walks into a bar and asks for 1.4 root beers. The bartender says "I'll have to charge you extra, that's a root beer float". The guy says "In that case, better make it a double."
52. There are 10 kinds of people in this world: Those who understand binary, those who don't, and those who weren't expecting a base 3 joke.
53. A physician, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world. The physician remarked, "Well, in the Bible, it says that God created Eve from a rib taken out of Adam. This clearly required surgery, and so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world." The civil engineer interrupted, and said, "But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong: mine is the oldest profession in the world." The computer scientist leaned back in her chair, smiled, and then said confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?"
54. Why do programmers prefer dark mode? Because light attracts bugs!
55. Why do programmers prefer dark mode? Because light attracts bugs!
56. A man walks into a pet shop and sees 3 monkeys, each in a cage, each with a computer. The man is curious and walks up to the clerk and asks - what is the story with the moneys? "They are programming monkeys - for example this one here can complete 100 lines of C++ in an hour - only 100$" The first monkey was busy typing away, and sure enough it was flawless code. They moved onto the second monkey who was typing even faster. "This monkey knows Java, C++ and helped develop Julia - 1000$ for this one". "What about that last monkey in the biggest cage?" the man asked. "well he is 10000$'s...." "That's must be an amazing monkey! What does he do?", the man asked. "Well, when he was brought in all he did was sit there while the other monkeys worked, so we figured he must be executive management."
57. Programming is like sex. Make one mistake and you end up supporting it for the rest of your life.
58. Why do programmers prefer dark mode? Because light attracts bugs!
59. An SEO expert walks into a bar, pub, liquor store, brewery, alcohol, beer, whiskey, vodka
60. Redneck Computer Terms LOG ON: Makin' a woodstove hot. LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood. MONITOR: Keepin' an eye on the wood stove. DOWNLOAD: Gittin' the farwood off the truck. MEGA HERTZ: When you're not keerfull gittin' the farwood. FLOPPY DISC: Whutcha git from trying to tote too much farwood. RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood. HARD DRIVE: Gittin' home in the winter time. WINDOWS: Whut to shut when it's cold outside. SCREEN: Whut to shut when it's black fly season. BYTE: Whut them dang flys do. CHIP: Munchies fer the TV. MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag. MODEM: Whutcha do to the hay fields. DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife. LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps. KEYBOARD: Whar you hang the dang truck keys. SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifes. MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn. MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk fer the mouse hole. MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof. PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine. ENTER: Northerner talk fer, "C'mon in, y'all." CLICK: Whut you hear when you cock your gun. DOUBLE CLICK: When the dang gun don't far when you pull the trigger. REBOOT: Whut you have to do at bedtime when you forgot the kitty's still outside.
61. CIA – Computer Industry Acronyms CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms ISDN: It Still Does Nothing SCSI: System Can't See It MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed DOS: Defunct Operating System WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too PnP: Plug and Pray APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity IBM: I Blame Microsoft MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language LISP: Lots of Insipid and Stupid Parentheses MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs AAAAA: American Association Against Acronym Abuse. WYSIWYMGIYRRLAAGW: What You See Is What You Might Get If You're Really Really Lucky And All Goes Well.
62. Eight bytes walk into a bar. The bartender asks, "Can I get you anything?" "Yeah," reply the bytes. "Make us a double."
63. "I just saw my life flash before my eyes and all I could see was a close tag…"
64. Why do programmers prefer dark mode? Because light attracts bugs!
65. God as a Programmer
66. Comedy Code is syntactically correct programming code written just for fun. The code doesn't actually have to do anything if it's executed, but it should look like regular code.
67. Funny Error Messages
68. A manager, a mechanical engineer, and software analyst are driving back from convention through the mountains. Suddenly, as they crest a hill, the brakes on the car go out and they fly careening down the mountain. After scraping against numerous guardrails, they come to a stop in the ditch. Everyone gets out of the car to assess the damage. The manager says, "Let's form a group to collaborate ideas on how we can solve this issue." The mechanical engineer suggests, "We should disassemble the car and analyze each part for failure." The software analyst says, "Let's push it back up the hill and see if it does it again."
69. Saying that Java is nice because it works on every OS is like saying that anal sex is nice because it works on every gender.
70. "An SEO expert walks into a bar, pub, liquor store, brewery, alcohol, beer, whiskey, vodka"
71. Why did the Lisp programmer get a new car? He ran out of storage space
72. A guy walks into a bar and asks for 1.4 root beers. The bartender says "I'll have to charge you extra, that's a root beer float". The guy says "In that case, better make it a double."
73. Java: OK guys. Any idea how to make women more interested in us? C++: More exceptions? Python: Define our methods? ANSI-C: Stop treating them like objects?
74. Why do programmers prefer dark mode? Because light attracts bugs!
75. God as a Programmer
76. Why do programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween? Because Oct 31 == Dec 25.
77. What do you call a developer that doesn't comment code? A developer.
78. A man is smoking a cigarette and blowing smoke rings into the air. His girlfriend becomes irritated with the smoke and says, "Can't you see the warning on the cigarette pack? Smoking is hazardous to your health!" To which the man replies, "I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings; we only worry about errors."
79. Why did the Lisp programmer get a new car? He ran out of storage space
80. Comic
81. The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a soldering iron, a hardware engineer with a software patch, and a user with an idea. – The Wizardry Compiled by Rick Cook.
82. The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a soldering iron, a hardware engineer with a software patch, and a user with an idea. – The Wizardry Compiled by Rick Cook.
83. A computer science student is studying under a tree and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first student asks, "Where'd you get that?" The student on the bike replies, "While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, ‘You can have anything you want'." The first student responds, "Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."
84. Java: OK guys. Any idea how to make women more interested in us? C++: More exceptions? Python: Define our methods? ANSI-C: Stop treating them like objects?
85. There are only 10 kinds of people in this world: those who know binary and those who don't.
86. Why does no one like SQLrillex? He keeps dropping the database.
87. A computer science student is studying under a tree and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first student asks, "Where'd you get that?" The student on the bike replies, "While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, ‘You can have anything you want'." The first student responds, "Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."
88. All programmers are playwrights, and all computers are lousy actors.
89. Why did the Python programmer not respond to the foreign mails he got? Because his interpreter was busy collecting garbage.
90. Why do most C++ programmers stop after one child? Because multiple inheritance is a headache.
91. There are 10 kinds of people in this world: Those who understand binary, those who don't, and those who weren't expecting a base 3 joke.
92. Being the detective in a crime movie where you are also the murderer.
93. Why do most C++ programmers stop after one child? Because multiple inheritance is a headache.
94. There are three kinds of lies: Lies, damned lies, and benchmarks.
95. Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show his work. Visibly upset, Satan cries and says, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out." "Very well," says God, "let us see if Jesus has fared any better." Jesus presses a key, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished. He stutters, "B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?" God chuckles, "Everybody knows Jesus saves."
96. A programmer walks to the butcher shop and buys a kilo of meat. An hour later he comes back upset that the butcher shortchanged him by 24 grams.
97. Your mama's so FAT she can't save files bigger than 4GB.
98. If you put a million monkeys at a million keyboards, one of them will eventually write a Java program. The rest of them will write Perl programs.
99. At a recent computer software engineering management course, the participants were given an awkward question to answer: "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?" Among the ensuing forest of raised hands only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay aboard. With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.
100. An engineer, a physicist and a programmer are flying around in a Cessna when suddenly the engine fails. The plane struggles to maintain altitude. They think they will die in a fiery crash when they notice an open field. They glide and make an emergency landing. The engineer says, "I'll go check the engine and see what's wrong" The physicist gets up and says, "There is no need for that. We can look at thrust, drag, lift, acceleration, wind speed, friction, heat and a couple of other parameters and figure out why the engine failed." At this point, the programmer gets up, looks at the other two like they're morons and says, " Guys, it might not even be a real issue. Why don't we fly it again and see if it's reproduceable?
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