Top 100 It Jokes

Welcome to the top 100 it jokes.

The Top 100 It Jokes List

These are the top 100 It Jokes for 2024.

1. "I just saw my life flash before my eyes and all I could see was a close tag…"
2. A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep. A full one, in case he gets thirsty, and an empty one, in case he doesn't.
3. An engineer, a physicist and a programmer are flying around in a Cessna when suddenly the engine fails. The plane struggles to maintain altitude. They think they will die in a fiery crash when they notice an open field. They glide and make an emergency landing. The engineer says, "I'll go check the engine and see what's wrong" The physicist gets up and says, "There is no need for that. We can look at thrust, drag, lift, acceleration, wind speed, friction, heat and a couple of other parameters and figure out why the engine failed." At this point, the programmer gets up, looks at the other two like they're morons and says, " Guys, it might not even be a real issue. Why don't we fly it again and see if it's reproduceable?
4. A programmer is walking along a beach and finds a lamp. He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears. "I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish, but only one wish." The programmer pulls out a map, points to it and says, "I'd want peace in the Middle East." The genie responds, "Gee, I don't know. Those people have been fighting for millennia. I can do just about anything, but this is likely beyond my limits." The programmer then says, "Well, I am a programmer, and my programs have lots of users. Please make all my users satisfied with my software and let them ask for sensible changes." At which point the genie responds, "Um, let me see that map again."
5. A manager, a mechanical engineer, and software analyst are driving back from convention through the mountains. Suddenly, as they crest a hill, the brakes on the car go out and they fly careening down the mountain. After scraping against numerous guardrails, they come to a stop in the ditch. Everyone gets out of the car to assess the damage. The manager says, "Let's form a group to collaborate ideas on how we can solve this issue." The mechanical engineer suggests, "We should disassemble the car and analyze each part for failure." The software analyst says, "Let's push it back up the hill and see if it does it again."
6. If you put a million monkeys at a million keyboards, one of them will eventually write a Java program. The rest of them will write Perl programs.
7. Why do programmers hate nature? It has too many bugs.
8. There are 10 kinds of people in this world: Those who understand binary, those who don't, and those who weren't expecting a base 3 joke.
9. The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a soldering iron, a hardware engineer with a software patch, and a user with an idea. – The Wizardry Compiled by Rick Cook.
10. A man is smoking a cigarette and blowing smoke rings into the air. His girlfriend becomes irritated with the smoke and says, "Can't you see the warning on the cigarette pack? Smoking is hazardous to your health!" To which the man replies, "I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings; we only worry about errors."
11. Eight bytes walk into a bar. The bartender asks, "Can I get you anything?" "Yeah," reply the bytes. "Make us a double."
12. "Knock, knock." "Who's there?" very long pause…. "Java."
13. Why do programmers prefer dark mode? Because light attracts bugs!
14. Why did the Python programmer not respond to the foreign mails he got? Because his interpreter was busy collecting garbage.
15. Why do programmers prefer dark mode? Because light attracts bugs!
16. What do you call a developer that doesn't comment code? A developer.
17. Programming is like sex. Make one mistake and you end up supporting it for the rest of your life.
18. Why did the Lisp programmer get a new car? He ran out of storage space
19. Why does no one like SQLrillex? He keeps dropping the database.
20. A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep. A full one, in case he gets thirsty, and an empty one, in case he doesn't.
21. Comic
22. Programming is like sex. Make one mistake and you end up supporting it for the rest of your life.
23. There are 10 kinds of people in this world: Those who understand binary, those who don't, and those who weren't expecting a base 3 joke.
24. At a recent computer software engineering management course, the participants were given an awkward question to answer: "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?" Among the ensuing forest of raised hands only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay aboard. With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.
25. Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas? Because Oct 31 equals Dec 25.
26. Software Development Cycles Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs. Repeat three times steps 3 and 4. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released. Users find 137 new bugs. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free…
27. Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas? Because Oct 31 equals Dec 25.
28. A programmer is walking along a beach and finds a lamp. He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears. "I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish, but only one wish." The programmer pulls out a map, points to it and says, "I'd want peace in the Middle East." The genie responds, "Gee, I don't know. Those people have been fighting for millennia. I can do just about anything, but this is likely beyond my limits." The programmer then says, "Well, I am a programmer, and my programs have lots of users. Please make all my users satisfied with my software and let them ask for sensible changes." At which point the genie responds, "Um, let me see that map again."
29. The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
30. The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a soldering iron, a hardware engineer with a software patch, and a user with an idea. – The Wizardry Compiled by Rick Cook.
31. Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas? Because Oct 31 equals Dec 25.
32. Why did the Lisp programmer get a new car? He ran out of storage space
33. A programmer walks to the butcher shop and buys a kilo of meat. An hour later he comes back upset that the butcher shortchanged him by 24 grams.
34. There are 10 kinds of people in this world: Those who understand binary, those who don't, and those who weren't expecting a base 3 joke.
35. Software Development Cycles Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs. Repeat three times steps 3 and 4. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released. Users find 137 new bugs. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free…
36. The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
37. The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a soldering iron, a hardware engineer with a software patch, and a user with an idea. – The Wizardry Compiled by Rick Cook.
38. Why do most C++ programmers stop after one child? Because multiple inheritance is a headache.
39. A programmer finds himself in front of a committee that decides whether he should go to Heaven or Hell. The committee tells the programmer he has a say in the matter and asks him if he wants to see either Heaven or Hell before stating his preference. "Sure," the programmer replies. "I have a pretty good idea what Heaven is like, so let's see Hell." So an angel takes the programmer to a sunny beach, full of beautiful women in skimpy bikinis playing volleyball, listening to music and having a great time. "Wow!" he exclaims, "Hell looks great! I'll take Hell!" Instantly the programmer finds himself in red-hot lava with demons tearing at his flesh. "Where's the beach? The music? The women?" he screams frantically to the angel. "That was the demo," the angel replies as she vanishes.
40. There are only 10 kinds of people in this world: those who know binary and those who don't.
41. CIA – Computer Industry Acronyms CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms ISDN: It Still Does Nothing SCSI: System Can't See It MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed DOS: Defunct Operating System WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too PnP: Plug and Pray APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity IBM: I Blame Microsoft MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language LISP: Lots of Insipid and Stupid Parentheses MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs AAAAA: American Association Against Acronym Abuse. WYSIWYMGIYRRLAAGW: What You See Is What You Might Get If You're Really Really Lucky And All Goes Well.
42. Have you heard about the new Cray super computer? It's so fast, it executes an infinite loop in 6 seconds.
43. A group of computer science geeks were listening to a lecture about Java programming at a university. After the lecture, one of the men leaned over and grabbed a woman's breast. Woman: Hey! That's private OK ? The man hesitated for a second looking confused. Man: But I thought we were in the same class.
44. Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show his work. Visibly upset, Satan cries and says, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out." "Very well," says God, "let us see if Jesus has fared any better." Jesus presses a key, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished. He stutters, "B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?" God chuckles, "Everybody knows Jesus saves."
45. Programming is 10% science, 20% ingenuity, and 70% getting the ingenuity to work with the science.
46. Why do programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween? Because Oct 31 == Dec 25.
47. A programmer is walking along a beach and finds a lamp. He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears. "I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish, but only one wish." The programmer pulls out a map, points to it and says, "I'd want peace in the Middle East." The genie responds, "Gee, I don't know. Those people have been fighting for millennia. I can do just about anything, but this is likely beyond my limits." The programmer then says, "Well, I am a programmer, and my programs have lots of users. Please make all my users satisfied with my software and let them ask for sensible changes." At which point the genie responds, "Um, let me see that map again."
48. Why do programmers prefer dark mode? Because light attracts bugs!
49. OK guys. Any idea how to make women more interested in us? C++: More exceptions? Python: Define our methods? ANSI-C: Stop treating them like objects?
50. A programmer is walking along a beach and finds a lamp. He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears. "I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish, but only one wish." The programmer pulls out a map, points to it and says, "I'd want peace in the Middle East." The genie responds, "Gee, I don't know. Those people have been fighting for millennia. I can do just about anything, but this is likely beyond my limits." The programmer then says, "Well, I am a programmer, and my programs have lots of users. Please make all my users satisfied with my software and let them ask for sensible changes." At which point the genie responds, "Um, let me see that map again."
51. A programmer is walking along a beach and finds a lamp. He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears. "I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish, but only one wish." The programmer pulls out a map, points to it and says, "I'd want peace in the Middle East." The genie responds, "Gee, I don't know. Those people have been fighting for millennia. I can do just about anything, but this is likely beyond my limits." The programmer then says, "Well, I am a programmer, and my programs have lots of users. Please make all my users satisfied with my software and let them ask for sensible changes." At which point the genie responds, "Um, let me see that map again."
52. The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword, and usually, the programmer.
53. A guy walks into a bar and asks for 1.4 root beers. The bartender says "I'll have to charge you extra, that's a root beer float". The guy says "In that case, better make it a double."
54. Why do programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween? Because Oct 31 == Dec 25.
55. Why do programmers prefer dark mode? Because light attracts bugs!
56. Why do programmers prefer dark mode? Because light attracts bugs!
57. Software Development Cycles Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs. Repeat three times steps 3 and 4. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released. Users find 137 new bugs. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free…
58. Why do Haskel programmers avoid most medicines? Because they have side-effects
59. Why do programmers prefer dark mode? Because light attracts bugs!
60. Why do programmers prefer dark mode? Because light attracts bugs!
61. A man is smoking a cigarette and blowing smoke rings into the air. His girlfriend becomes irritated with the smoke and says, "Can't you see the warning on the cigarette pack? Smoking is hazardous to your health!" To which the man replies, "I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings; we only worry about errors."
62. Laws of Computer Programming Any given program, when running, is obsolete. Any given program costs more and takes longer. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented. Any program will expand to fill available memory. The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capabilities of the programmer who must maintain it. Any non-trivial program contains at least one bug. Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited. Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
63. Two strings walk into a bar and sit down. The bartender says, "So what'll it be?" The first string says, "I think I'll have a beer quag fulk boorg jdk^CjfdLk jk3s d#f67howe%^U r89nvy~~owmc63^Dz x.xvcu" "Please excuse my friend," the second string says, "He isn't null-terminated."
64. Software Development Cycles Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs. Repeat three times steps 3 and 4. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released. Users find 137 new bugs. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free…
65. An engineer, a physicist and a programmer are flying around in a Cessna when suddenly the engine fails. The plane struggles to maintain altitude. They think they will die in a fiery crash when they notice an open field. They glide and make an emergency landing. The engineer says, "I'll go check the engine and see what's wrong" The physicist gets up and says, "There is no need for that. We can look at thrust, drag, lift, acceleration, wind speed, friction, heat and a couple of other parameters and figure out why the engine failed." At this point, the programmer gets up, looks at the other two like they're morons and says, " Guys, it might not even be a real issue. Why don't we fly it again and see if it's reproduceable?
66. Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas? Because Oct 31 equals Dec 25.
67. A man walks into a pet shop and sees 3 monkeys, each in a cage, each with a computer. The man is curious and walks up to the clerk and asks - what is the story with the moneys? "They are programming monkeys - for example this one here can complete 100 lines of C++ in an hour - only 100$" The first monkey was busy typing away, and sure enough it was flawless code. They moved onto the second monkey who was typing even faster. "This monkey knows Java, C++ and helped develop Julia - 1000$ for this one". "What about that last monkey in the biggest cage?" the man asked. "well he is 10000$'s...." "That's must be an amazing monkey! What does he do?", the man asked. "Well, when he was brought in all he did was sit there while the other monkeys worked, so we figured he must be executive management."
68. Debugging: Removing the needles from the haystack.
69. Why do most C++ programmers stop after one child? Because multiple inheritance is a headache.
70. Why do programmers prefer dark mode? Because light attracts bugs!
71. The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a soldering iron, a hardware engineer with a software patch, and a user with an idea. – The Wizardry Compiled by Rick Cook
72. The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
73. Q. How did the programmer die in the shower? A. He read the shampoo bottle instructions: Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
74. God as a Programmer
75. The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a soldering iron, a hardware engineer with a software patch, and a user with an idea. – The Wizardry Compiled by Rick Cook
76. Java and C were telling jokes. It was C's turn, so he writes something on the wall, points to it and says "Do you get the reference?" But Java didn't.
77. There are three kinds of lies: Lies, damned lies, and benchmarks.
78. All programmers are playwrights, and all computers are lousy actors.
79. God as a Programmer
80. Why do programmers prefer dark mode? Because light attracts bugs!
81. God as a Programmer
82. God as a Programmer
83. Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas? Because Oct 31 equals Dec 25.
84. A guy walks into a bar and asks for 1.4 root beers. The bartender says "I'll have to charge you extra, that's a root beer float". The guy says "In that case, better make it a double."
85. Software Development Cycles Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs. Repeat three times steps 3 and 4. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released. Users find 137 new bugs. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free…
86. Saying that Java is nice because it works on every OS is like saying that anal sex is nice because it works on every gender.
87. Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas? Because Oct 31 equals Dec 25.
88. Why do programmers prefer dark mode? Because light attracts bugs!
89. A programmer finds himself in front of a committee that decides whether he should go to Heaven or Hell. The committee tells the programmer he has a say in the matter and asks him if he wants to see either Heaven or Hell before stating his preference. "Sure," the programmer replies. "I have a pretty good idea what Heaven is like, so let's see Hell." So an angel takes the programmer to a sunny beach, full of beautiful women in skimpy bikinis playing volleyball, listening to music and having a great time. "Wow!" he exclaims, "Hell looks great! I'll take Hell!" Instantly the programmer finds himself in red-hot lava with demons tearing at his flesh. "Where's the beach? The music? The women?" he screams frantically to the angel. "That was the demo," the angel replies as she vanishes.
90. OK guys. Any idea how to make women more interested in us? C++: More exceptions? Python: Define our methods? ANSI-C: Stop treating them like objects?
91. Java: OK guys. Any idea how to make women more interested in us? C++: More exceptions? Python: Define our methods? ANSI-C: Stop treating them like objects?
92. "Knock, knock." "Who's there?" very long pause…. "Java."
93. Why do programmers prefer dark mode? Because light attracts bugs!
94. Java: OK guys. Any idea how to make women more interested in us? C++: More exceptions? Python: Define our methods? ANSI-C: Stop treating them like objects?
95. A manager, a mechanical engineer, and software analyst are driving back from convention through the mountains. Suddenly, as they crest a hill, the brakes on the car go out and they fly careening down the mountain. After scraping against numerous guardrails, they come to a stop in the ditch. Everyone gets out of the car to assess the damage. The manager says, "Let's form a group to collaborate ideas on how we can solve this issue." The mechanical engineer suggests, "We should disassemble the car and analyze each part for failure." The software analyst says, "Let's push it back up the hill and see if it does it again."
96. There are 10 kinds of people in this world: Those who understand binary, those who don't, and those who weren't expecting a base 3 joke.
97. From the Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary: Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless. Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop.
98. An SEO expert walks into a bar, pub, liquor store, brewery, alcohol, beer, whiskey, vodka
99. An SEO expert walks into a bar, pub, liquor store, brewery, alcohol, beer, whiskey, vodka
100. Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show his work. Visibly upset, Satan cries and says, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out." "Very well," says God, "let us see if Jesus has fared any better." Jesus presses a key, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished. He stutters, "B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?" God chuckles, "Everybody knows Jesus saves."

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