Top 100 It Jokes
Welcome to the top 100 it jokes.
The Top 100 It Jokes List
These are the top 100 It Jokes for 2024.
1. The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a soldering iron, a hardware engineer with a software patch, and a user with an idea. – The Wizardry Compiled by Rick Cook.2. Redneck Computer Terms LOG ON: Makin' a woodstove hot. LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood. MONITOR: Keepin' an eye on the wood stove. DOWNLOAD: Gittin' the farwood off the truck. MEGA HERTZ: When you're not keerfull gittin' the farwood. FLOPPY DISC: Whutcha git from trying to tote too much farwood. RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood. HARD DRIVE: Gittin' home in the winter time. WINDOWS: Whut to shut when it's cold outside. SCREEN: Whut to shut when it's black fly season. BYTE: Whut them dang flys do. CHIP: Munchies fer the TV. MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag. MODEM: Whutcha do to the hay fields. DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife. LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps. KEYBOARD: Whar you hang the dang truck keys. SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifes. MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn. MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk fer the mouse hole. MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof. PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine. ENTER: Northerner talk fer, "C'mon in, y'all." CLICK: Whut you hear when you cock your gun. DOUBLE CLICK: When the dang gun don't far when you pull the trigger. REBOOT: Whut you have to do at bedtime when you forgot the kitty's still outside.
3. Saying that Java is nice because it works on every OS is like saying that anal sex is nice because it works on every gender.
4. A guy walks into a bar and asks for 1.4 root beers. The bartender says "I'll have to charge you extra, that's a root beer float". The guy says "In that case, better make it a double."
5. Saying that Java is nice because it works on every OS is like saying that anal sex is nice because it works on every gender.
6. The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a soldering iron, a hardware engineer with a software patch, and a user with an idea. – The Wizardry Compiled by Rick Cook.
7. CIA – Computer Industry Acronyms CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms ISDN: It Still Does Nothing SCSI: System Can't See It MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed DOS: Defunct Operating System WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too PnP: Plug and Pray APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity IBM: I Blame Microsoft MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language LISP: Lots of Insipid and Stupid Parentheses MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs AAAAA: American Association Against Acronym Abuse. WYSIWYMGIYRRLAAGW: What You See Is What You Might Get If You're Really Really Lucky And All Goes Well.
8. Java: OK guys. Any idea how to make women more interested in us? C++: More exceptions? Python: Define our methods? ANSI-C: Stop treating them like objects?
9. The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a soldering iron, a hardware engineer with a software patch, and a user with an idea. – The Wizardry Compiled by Rick Cook.
10. Why did the Python programmer not respond to the foreign mails he got? Because his interpreter was busy collecting garbage.
11. The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
12. A man is smoking a cigarette and blowing smoke rings into the air. His girlfriend becomes irritated with the smoke and says, "Can't you see the warning on the cigarette pack? Smoking is hazardous to your health!" To which the man replies, "I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings; we only worry about errors."
13. A computer science student is studying under a tree and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first student asks, "Where'd you get that?" The student on the bike replies, "While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, ‘You can have anything you want'." The first student responds, "Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."
14. The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
15. The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a soldering iron, a hardware engineer with a software patch, and a user with an idea. – The Wizardry Compiled by Rick Cook.
16. Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas? Because Oct 31 equals Dec 25.
17. A man walks into a pet shop and sees 3 monkeys, each in a cage, each with a computer. The man is curious and walks up to the clerk and asks - what is the story with the moneys? "They are programming monkeys - for example this one here can complete 100 lines of C++ in an hour - only 100$" The first monkey was busy typing away, and sure enough it was flawless code. They moved onto the second monkey who was typing even faster. "This monkey knows Java, C++ and helped develop Julia - 1000$ for this one". "What about that last monkey in the biggest cage?" the man asked. "well he is 10000$'s...." "That's must be an amazing monkey! What does he do?", the man asked. "Well, when he was brought in all he did was sit there while the other monkeys worked, so we figured he must be executive management."
18. Eight bytes walk into a bar. The bartender asks, "Can I get you anything?" "Yeah," reply the bytes. "Make us a double."
19. "An SEO expert walks into a bar, pub, liquor store, brewery, alcohol, beer, whiskey, vodka"
20. A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on a photo-safari in Africa. They drive out into the savannah in their jeep, stop and scour the horizon with their binoculars. The biologist: "Look! There's a herd of zebras! And there, in the middle: a white zebra! It's fantastic! There are white zebras! We'll be famous!" The statistician: "It's not significant. We only know there's one white zebra" The mathematician: "Actually, we know there exists a zebra which is white on one side" The computer scientist: "Oh no! A special case!"
21. Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show his work. Visibly upset, Satan cries and says, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out." "Very well," says God, "let us see if Jesus has fared any better." Jesus presses a key, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished. He stutters, "B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?" God chuckles, "Everybody knows… Jesus saves."
22. Programming is like sex. Make one mistake and you end up supporting it for the rest of your life.
23. If at first your don't succeed, stop Trying and attempt to Catch what the problem is. then Finally give up.
24. Have you heard about the new Cray super computer? It's so fast, it executes an infinite loop in 6 seconds.
25. One hundred little bugs in the code One hundred little bugs. Fix a bug, link the fix in, One hundred little bugs in the code.
26. Java and C were telling jokes. It was C's turn, so he writes something on the wall, points to it and says "Do you get the reference?" But Java didn't.
27. God as a Programmer
28. The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a soldering iron, a hardware engineer with a software patch, and a user with an idea. – The Wizardry Compiled by Rick Cook.
29. A programmer is walking along a beach and finds a lamp. He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears. "I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish, but only one wish." The programmer pulls out a map, points to it and says, "I'd want peace in the Middle East." The genie responds, "Gee, I don't know. Those people have been fighting for millennia. I can do just about anything, but this is likely beyond my limits." The programmer then says, "Well, I am a programmer, and my programs have lots of users. Please make all my users satisfied with my software and let them ask for sensible changes." At which point the genie responds, "Um, let me see that map again."
30. Funny Error Messages
31. A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on a photo-safari in Africa. They drive out into the savannah in their jeep, stop and scour the horizon with their binoculars. The biologist: "Look! There's a herd of zebras! And there, in the middle: a white zebra! It's fantastic! There are white zebras! We'll be famous!" The statistician: "It's not significant. We only know there's one white zebra" The mathematician: "Actually, we know there exists a zebra which is white on one side" The computer scientist: "Oh no! A special case!"
32. Comedy Code is syntactically correct programming code written just for fun. The code doesn't actually have to do anything if it's executed, but it should look like regular code.
33. "I just saw my life flash before my eyes and all I could see was a close tag…"
34. Eight bytes walk into a bar. The bartender asks, "Can I get you anything?" "Yeah," reply the bytes. "Make us a double."
35. There are 10 kinds of people in this world: Those who understand binary, those who don't, and those who weren't expecting a base 3 joke.
36. Computer Stupidities
37. A group of computer science geeks were listening to a lecture about Java programming at a university. After the lecture, one of the men leaned over and grabbed a woman's breast. Woman: Hey! That's private OK ? The man hesitated for a second looking confused. Man: But I thought we were in the same class.
38. Java: OK guys. Any idea how to make women more interested in us? C++: More exceptions? Python: Define our methods? ANSI-C: Stop treating them like objects?
39. If you put a million monkeys at a million keyboards, one of them will eventually write a Java program. The rest of them will write Perl programs.
40. An SEO expert walks into a bar, pub, liquor store, brewery, alcohol, beer, whiskey, vodka
41. The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a soldering iron, a hardware engineer with a software patch, and a user with an idea. – The Wizardry Compiled by Rick Cook.
42. Why did the Python programmer not respond to the foreign mails he got? Because his interpreter was busy collecting garbage.
43. Java and C were telling jokes. It was C's turn, so he writes something on the wall, points to it and says "Do you get the reference?" But Java didn't.
44. God as a Programmer
45. A guy walks into a bar and asks for 1.4 root beers. The bartender says "I'll have to charge you extra, that's a root beer float". The guy says "In that case, better make it a double."
46. A programmer is walking along a beach and finds a lamp. He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears. "I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish, but only one wish." The programmer pulls out a map, points to it and says, "I'd want peace in the Middle East." The genie responds, "Gee, I don't know. Those people have been fighting for millennia. I can do just about anything, but this is likely beyond my limits." The programmer then says, "Well, I am a programmer, and my programs have lots of users. Please make all my users satisfied with my software and let them ask for sensible changes." At which point the genie responds, "Um, let me see that map again."
47. A manager, a mechanical engineer, and software analyst are driving back from convention through the mountains. Suddenly, as they crest a hill, the brakes on the car go out and they fly careening down the mountain. After scraping against numerous guardrails, they come to a stop in the ditch. Everyone gets out of the car to assess the damage. The manager says, "Let's form a group to collaborate ideas on how we can solve this issue." The mechanical engineer suggests, "We should disassemble the car and analyze each part for failure." The software analyst says, "Let's push it back up the hill and see if it does it again."
48. The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a soldering iron, a hardware engineer with a software patch, and a user with an idea. – The Wizardry Compiled by Rick Cook.
49. Java and C were telling jokes. It was C's turn, so he writes something on the wall, points to it and says "Do you get the reference?" But Java didn't.
50. There are 10 kinds of people in this world: Those who understand binary, those who don't, and those who weren't expecting a base 3 joke.
51. There are three kinds of lies: Lies, damned lies, and benchmarks.
52. A programmer walks to the butcher shop and buys a kilo of meat. An hour later he comes back upset that the butcher shortchanged him by 24 grams.
53. Redneck Computer Terms LOG ON: Makin' a woodstove hot. LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood. MONITOR: Keepin' an eye on the wood stove. DOWNLOAD: Gittin' the farwood off the truck. MEGA HERTZ: When you're not keerfull gittin' the farwood. FLOPPY DISC: Whutcha git from trying to tote too much farwood. RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood. HARD DRIVE: Gittin' home in the winter time. WINDOWS: Whut to shut when it's cold outside. SCREEN: Whut to shut when it's black fly season. BYTE: Whut them dang flys do. CHIP: Munchies fer the TV. MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag. MODEM: Whutcha do to the hay fields. DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife. LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps. KEYBOARD: Whar you hang the dang truck keys. SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifes. MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn. MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk fer the mouse hole. MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof. PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine. ENTER: Northerner talk fer, "C'mon in, y'all." CLICK: Whut you hear when you cock your gun. DOUBLE CLICK: When the dang gun don't far when you pull the trigger. REBOOT: Whut you have to do at bedtime when you forgot the kitty's still outside.
54. There are three kinds of lies: Lies, damned lies, and benchmarks.
55. Q: What did the Project Manager say to the Programmer? A: You start coding, I'll go find out what they want.
56. Programming is like sex: One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
57. Q: What did the Project Manager say to the Programmer? A: You start coding, I'll go find out what they want.
58. The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
59. There are 10 kinds of people in this world: Those who understand binary, those who don't, and those who weren't expecting a base 3 joke.
60. "An SEO expert walks into a bar, pub, liquor store, brewery, alcohol, beer, whiskey, vodka"
61. A guy walks into a bar and asks for 1.4 root beers. The bartender says "I'll have to charge you extra, that's a root beer float". The guy says "In that case, better make it a double."
62. There are 10 kinds of people in this world: Those who understand binary, those who don't, and those who weren't expecting a base 3 joke.
63. Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show his work. Visibly upset, Satan cries and says, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out." "Very well," says God, "let us see if Jesus has fared any better." Jesus presses a key, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished. He stutters, "B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?" God chuckles, "Everybody knows Jesus saves."
64. A guy walks into a bar and asks for 1.4 root beers. The bartender says "I'll have to charge you extra, that's a root beer float". The guy says "In that case, better make it a double."
65. The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a soldering iron, a hardware engineer with a software patch, and a user with an idea. – The Wizardry Compiled by Rick Cook
66. If you put a million monkeys at a million keyboards, one of them will eventually write a Java program. The rest of them will write Perl programs.
67. An engineer, a physicist and a programmer are flying around in a Cessna when suddenly the engine fails. The plane struggles to maintain altitude. They think they will die in a fiery crash when they notice an open field. They glide and make an emergency landing. The engineer says, "I'll go check the engine and see what's wrong" The physicist gets up and says, "There is no need for that. We can look at thrust, drag, lift, acceleration, wind speed, friction, heat and a couple of other parameters and figure out why the engine failed." At this point, the programmer gets up, looks at the other two like they're morons and says, " Guys, it might not even be a real issue. Why don't we fly it again and see if it's reproduceable?
68. The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
69. The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a soldering iron, a hardware engineer with a software patch, and a user with an idea. – The Wizardry Compiled by Rick Cook.
70. Q. How did the programmer die in the shower? A. He read the shampoo bottle instructions: Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
71. A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep. A full one, in case he gets thirsty, and an empty one, in case he doesn't.
72. A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep. A full one, in case he gets thirsty, and an empty one, in case he doesn't.
73. The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a soldering iron, a hardware engineer with a software patch, and a user with an idea. – The Wizardry Compiled by Rick Cook.
74. When is a door not a door? When it's a GenericStaticFurnitureBase
75. A programmer is walking along a beach and finds a lamp. He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears. "I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish, but only one wish." The programmer pulls out a map, points to it and says, "I'd want peace in the Middle East." The genie responds, "Gee, I don't know. Those people have been fighting for millennia. I can do just about anything, but this is likely beyond my limits." The programmer then says, "Well, I am a programmer, and my programs have lots of users. Please make all my users satisfied with my software and let them ask for sensible changes." At which point the genie responds, "Um, let me see that map again."
76. A guy walks into a bar and asks for 1.4 root beers. The bartender says "I'll have to charge you extra, that's a root beer float". The guy says "In that case, better make it a double."
77. Q. How did the programmer die in the shower? A. He read the shampoo bottle instructions: Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
78. Java: OK guys. Any idea how to make women more interested in us? C++: More exceptions? Python: Define our methods? ANSI-C: Stop treating them like objects?
79. Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show his work. Visibly upset, Satan cries and says, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out." "Very well," says God, "let us see if Jesus has fared any better." Jesus presses a key, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished. He stutters, "B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?" God chuckles, "Everybody knows Jesus saves."
80. When is a door not a door? When it's a GenericStaticFurnitureBase
81. From the Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary: Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless. Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop.
82. Hey! That's private OK ? The man hesitated for a second looking confused. Man: But I thought we were in the same class.
83. Redneck Computer Terms LOG ON: Makin' a woodstove hot. LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood. MONITOR: Keepin' an eye on the wood stove. DOWNLOAD: Gittin' the farwood off the truck. MEGA HERTZ: When you're not keerfull gittin' the farwood. FLOPPY DISC: Whutcha git from trying to tote too much farwood. RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood. HARD DRIVE: Gittin' home in the winter time. WINDOWS: Whut to shut when it's cold outside. SCREEN: Whut to shut when it's black fly season. BYTE: Whut them dang flys do. CHIP: Munchies fer the TV. MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag. MODEM: Whutcha do to the hay fields. DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife. LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps. KEYBOARD: Whar you hang the dang truck keys. SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifes. MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn. MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk fer the mouse hole. MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof. PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine. ENTER: Northerner talk fer, "C'mon in, y'all." CLICK: Whut you hear when you cock your gun. DOUBLE CLICK: When the dang gun don't far when you pull the trigger. REBOOT: Whut you have to do at bedtime when you forgot the kitty's still outside.
84. A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep. A full one, in case he gets thirsty, and an empty one, in case he doesn't.
85. Funny Error Messages
86. A computer science student is studying under a tree and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first student asks, "Where'd you get that?" The student on the bike replies, "While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, ‘You can have anything you want'." The first student responds, "Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."
87. Why did the Lisp programmer get a new car? He ran out of storage space
88. A programmer finds himself in front of a committee that decides whether he should go to Heaven or Hell. The committee tells the programmer he has a say in the matter and asks him if he wants to see either Heaven or Hell before stating his preference. "Sure," the programmer replies. "I have a pretty good idea what Heaven is like, so let's see Hell." So an angel takes the programmer to a sunny beach, full of beautiful women in skimpy bikinis playing volleyball, listening to music and having a great time. "Wow!" he exclaims, "Hell looks great! I'll take Hell!" Instantly the programmer finds himself in red-hot lava with demons tearing at his flesh. "Where's the beach? The music? The women?" he screams frantically to the angel. "That was the demo," the angel replies as she vanishes.
89. Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show his work. Visibly upset, Satan cries and says, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out." "Very well," says God, "let us see if Jesus has fared any better." Jesus presses a key, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished. He stutters, "B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?" God chuckles, "Everybody knows Jesus saves."
90. Computer Stupidities
91. God as a Programmer
92. A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he's lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below says: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field." "You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist. "I do" replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but It's of no use to anyone." The man below replies, "You must work in management." "I do," replies the balloonist, "But how'd you know?"* "Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
93. Why do the stories written by C programmers drag on forever? Because they can't write closures.
94. CIA – Computer Industry Acronyms CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms ISDN: It Still Does Nothing SCSI: System Can't See It MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed DOS: Defunct Operating System WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too PnP: Plug and Pray APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity IBM: I Blame Microsoft MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language LISP: Lots of Insipid and Stupid Parentheses MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs AAAAA: American Association Against Acronym Abuse. WYSIWYMGIYRRLAAGW: What You See Is What You Might Get If You're Really Really Lucky And All Goes Well.
95. There are 10 kinds of people in this world: Those who understand binary, those who don't, and those who weren't expecting a base 3 joke.
96. The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a soldering iron, a hardware engineer with a software patch, and a user with an idea. – The Wizardry Compiled by Rick Cook.
97. Q: What did the Project Manager say to the Programmer? A: You start coding, I'll go find out what they want.
98. Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas? Because Oct 31 equals Dec 25.
99. The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a soldering iron, a hardware engineer with a software patch, and a user with an idea. – The Wizardry Compiled by Rick Cook.
100. Your mama's so FAT she can't save files bigger than 4GB.
Generator more It Jokes
Need more It Jokes? Generate more with the It Joke Generator.
Share your Favourite Top 100 It Jokes in the comments below: